Sibling rivalry is a normal reaction to an enormous upheaval in a child’s world. One day, a child feels happy and secure, confident that she can count on the undivided attention of her parents . . . and the next day, she is expected to share that precious attention with a new, strange entity, a baby. Who wouldn’t react to a change like that!

Your oldest child may become angry, frustrated, and possessive of her toys and gear—and, of course, possessive of you. No matter how she expresses her discontent, what she is actually saying is “Don’t forget me! I need you too! This is difficult. Do you still love me?” Responding to these concerns is an important part of managing sibling rivalry and creating a home environment where everyone feels valued.

When Your Firstborn Meets Your Newborn

photo credit: i am brad
What you worry about is a critical difference between a first and second pregnancy. During the first pregnancy, you worried about whether you would be a good parent. The second time around, as a parenting pro your concern focuses on how your older child will react to your newborn. In fact, you probably wonder about your own reaction: “I love my child so much—how can I ever love a second child in the same way?” The truth is that the heart of a parent only expands and becomes more beautiful with each addition to the family.

You can address your concern by taking steps to prepare your firstborn for your soon-to-be arrival. Decide when you want to tell your child about the baby. There are different theories about the right time to do this. Go with what works for you given your situation and child’s age. Refer to the pregnancy as “our baby” and “my other baby” so your child feels included. Have your child go with you to prenatal visits where he can hear the heart beat and see the baby on the sonogram machine. Let your child step on the scale just as you do and meet your doctor. These activities frame the idea of a new family member in a way that actively involves your firstborn.

Whether your firstborn will have a new room is another area of preparation. Whatever you decide, make the transition as gradual as possible. Have your child learn the color of his new room—or help pick a new color if it’s to be repainted—and help organize it. Try to move your child several months before the baby’s birth, or if the newborn will be in a bassinette in your room, several months afterward. This time frame prevents your firstborn from feeling displaced by the new baby.While these are all helpful, proactive strategies, the reality is that your firstborn will not actually know what it is like to have a sibling until the baby arrives. To help make the homecoming go smoothly, have someone other than the primary caretaker(s) bring the baby through the doorway upon your return. This helps your child ease into the idea of a new addition and reassures him that your arms are still available for him, not just for the baby.

Friends, family, and colleagues will send presents for the new baby. Rather than having your firstborn watch the outpouring of gifts in dismay, have a stash of presents stowed away for him. They don’t have to be expensive or elaborate, but are gestures that reassure your oldest he is loved and valued.

Try to spend one-to-one time with your older child each day. Of course, the ability to do this depends upon your schedule and child care arrangements. One-to-one outings assure him of your undivided attention and the special relationship you share.

Toddler-Preschool Rivalry
Your older child may actually have no problem with the addition of a newborn to the family. Things may progress smoothly until something happens—your newborn stops being a newborn. A new relationship world is entered when your second child becomes a toddler. Now your preschooler may start to have real feelings about her younger sibling that get expressed through statements like “No!” and “Mine!” Your oldest may hide toys, refrain from sharing, and even hit her younger sibling.

“Why the drastic change?” you wonder. A newborn is less threatening to your firstborn—he can’t play with your older child’s toys, interrupt her conversation, or talk back. Sibling rivalry often erupts at this juncture because your oldest child is upset about the new behaviors her toddler sibling has acquired.

As with the transition from a one-child to a two-child family, several strategies can help you manage toddler-preschooler rivalry. A first step is to assess your family context. How do you manage conflict? Children observe and imitate adult behaviors. They will learn by watching you model effective negotiation and conflict resolution.

Do not make comparisons between your children. Statements like “Eat your food like Quentin does” only heighten feelings of conflict between siblings. Remember that each child is unique and embodies different ways of being in the world.

Allow your children to express their feelings in safe ways. Your preschooler may be angry about a toy broken by her younger brother. Giving your child the space to express angry feelings while you listen is validating and supportive. If hitting occurs between siblings, clearly communicate a no-violence policy.

Entering the world of siblings is like embarking on a new adventure. A growing family, the love that develops between siblings, and the pride you feel while you watch your children thrive are all guideposts along the way. Managing sibling rivalry means you strengthen relationships among all family members and in so doing, build a solid foundation for the future.

 

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